To: The Secret Chiefs of the Universe (FWD: The Ascended Masters, The Guardians of the Universe)
Ancient Atlantis / Thule / City of the Pyramids / Some Inner Plane You'll Never Reach.
For: The Inner Council of Hidden Adepti
From: The Black Brotherhood
Basalt Tower of Chorazin, Galilee, Northern Israel.
The Office of Public Relations.
To our esteemed colleagues in the Invisible College; to the invisible hands that guide the Great White Brotherhood and abide by the Plan set forth to them, and to whomever else it may concern:
We hope that you're aware that at least three Astral Worlds were recently invaded by a giant army of lycanthropic bunnies. They're rapidly infecting the wild Jackalope population of Astral Wyoming, and more importantly than anything else we're about to say we wish to know: what are you doing to save the Wild Astral Jackalope?!
As for other matters: We have written to you repeatedly over the last decade regarding your stances on civil rights, equality, and other issues that plague the world. There has yet to be a single response from your august company. Thus we must yet again note and ask:
What are you going to do about some of the so-called Adepts that you're supposed to be guiding? A few of them are running around the internet, pissing in everyone's chips so that they can polish their “good guy” badges while still remaining complete douche-bags. This type of activity was supposed to be the purview of the Black Brotherhood. The fact that we've become more humanitarian than your august company is somewhat appalling. We suggest fixing this problem.
The last time you issued a statement regarding civil rights, and more importantly the status of homosexuals with regard to your plan, it appears to have been through the vessel of Dion Fortune. We're aware that she was a little unhinged when it comes to sodomy. And of course, as she noted all those years back, we're still willing to admit into our own company any homosexuals and sodomites that might find they agree with us. Nonetheless: do you support gay marriage? Are you doing anything to protect basic human liberties for those homosexuals in your lodges, or just leaving them to burn?
Fortune was also kind enough to note that we all seem to be druggies. We'd like to ask what you're doing about prohibition: it increases crime and the likelihood of substance abuse, while demonizing behaviors that should be better left to the conclusion of the individual. Do you have any plans to openly send forth a messenger clarifying which drugs, exactly, are antithetical to spiritual development? Or should we be concerned about the Advil and Tylenol intake of White Brothers?
Are you willing to help us throw down our weight in those places in the world that wish true freedom – and not mindless, theocratic bullshit? If so, we suggest you begin attending protests with us. And, you know, actually doing rituals that don't just mindless “give the One Energy” so that it can “help everyone.” We're magicians. Isn't about time we started being specific about the results we want?
We know you're concerned about the spread of The Witchcraft, and The Wiccaz. Don't worry. With further influence from Stregha circles, soon Harry Potter fans will have a new target. We understand that they are not “spiritually enlightened” in the same way that you are, but surely you can at least admit that the Potterites give one a sense of amusement. At their expense, of course. But then – isn't the universe laughing with all of us, anyway? In any event, would you might telling some of your more annoying Adepts to drop that shit when it comes to bitching about witches? It's getting old, already. Don't they have enough all-powerful angel-summoning rituals to perform, rather than pestering us about what we're up to?
Finally, and above all, what are you doing to maintain the equality of women in your many and diverse lodges? We're a bit concerned about their treatment in the media, in current politics, and really, historically. You've had about 1000 years to fix this shit. What's the fucking hold-up, boys?
As always, we await your response. And as before: we're very sorry for helping you blow up Ancient Atlantis. But really, fellows, you ought to just let it go. It wasn't intentional. Let it go already.
Jack Faust, Chief of Public Relations.